Impasse

The body winds down, but the brain stays ever so resilient
To crumble with the passing days while the self-awareness resounds
Quintessential decisions must be made and with swiftness
Hell goes the consequences when the rewards loom over
Where has it gone? All of it? Any of it?
Youth shields the young with its shield of hope and innocence
The forward seems bright when the backward is closer
Age chips away the armor; the youth concedes and retreats
Happiness becomes a dual notion: a state of mind and a state of denial
A brain wrapped in infinite possibilities confined to worldly monotony
Thoughts soaring over mountains while fingers type incessantly on keyboards
Where has it gone? All of it? Any of it?
Is arrogance fueling pipe dreams of futility?
Has optimism retreated with youth?
Or has beauty and vanity taken residence where talent and skill used to dwell?
The mirror doth not break at the gaze, and desire takes the night
When does the worth become worthless?
Where to start when you've started over countless times
How to live when everything feels dead
The others look fulfilled, but you know they are not
But the look... the look alone invokes envy
Where has it gone? All of it? Any of it?

Red Myrrh

Promises, Promises, Promises. How many times can I pledge the dive, only to cower away from the plank? How many months can pass while my dreams remain the same, but my age continues on? Where in my journeys do my detours account for stumbles further down rabbit holes of absolute certainty? This isn't my life....this isn't my dream. Where did I go wrong? Dare I deflect accountability and accuse my surroundings for deterring me? No, I dare not...why would I dare? No threats, no taunts, no fear tactics to compel me...no, my fate is of the doing of thine own will. Thine own cowardice...thine own seconds of contemplation. Oh, how I hate wallowing...it is beneath me. And yet it is all I do....all I can muster when divulging of life experiences to the unfamiliars. The unfamiliars are who understand if only for those few moments of unfamiliarity. But the mask eventually falls....and the wallowing surfaces...they disappear soon after. Everyone disappears soon after...they fade...they are erased...or they simply vanish into the void of life. Heavy do my eyes grow..but for what sleep do they long? For the hourly snooze of energy and nourishment....or is it a darker slumber that awaits? The inevitable sleep....the eternal sleep...the sleep of social indifference? Perhaps that sleep comes sooner than later....but of the later, my cards are dealt with faith. Promises, Promises, Promises....melancholy orgasms of hope and optimism...and then they fade....and then they fade.

Gluttony

I have abandoned reason and will for the temporary comfort of edible comfort....what was once a childhood "friend" has returned to me in the utmost unwanted manner....why does he soothe me in a way that no other does? He has no words..he has no face....he has no wisdom to share...he is empty in fulfillment but the joy he gives is intoxicating...I devour him at my darkest times...at my happiest times...at my saddest times....at times when my thoughts are quiet and he is merely there in wait...he does not wait long....but his "comfort" comes with disastrous effects...falling like a poorly constructed row of dominoes fated to lay each other down in a loud and calamitous thud. He brings me comfort and he fills my circle of mental fortitude...but the circle grows bigger...the circle has grown immensely within his comfort...I do not like the circle...the circle depresses me as others mock and ridicule the circle...the depression drives me to him...I devour him...I cannot stop my insatiable appetite for him...but when my appetite is quenched, there is emptiness...there is cheapness...there is hollow sounds coming from within...Oh, the cycle...I need him...I eat him...it fills my circle...the circle is mocked...it saddens me....the cycle repeats. I lock him in the darkened cold, but my circle calls for him at night....so I run. I do not wish to run to him anymore..his comfort is that of fading winds...the presence is felt but for a fleeting moment and then all is calm again and no feelings to be felt. Come back to me reason...return to me, will..so that I may gather my strength to fight him...to only devour him at my neediest times...to look at him with indifference and not as my knight in shining armor for an hour. I vent to you, reason and will, because you are my saviors....I must lock him away.

Crimson

I look at the world, and it's a little less dreary today...my new surroundings instill me with a little more hope, and yet the race remains the sane....a chance, but out of reach. What motivates me? What drives the need to succeed? To come out of the anger and come into destiny's aura? Each day awakens a different kind of hope that maybe this day will be the day that life finally turns to the will of my choice. The mornings bring the sun, and with it comes promise....daydreams seem so real to the point that reality becomes a distant memory and depressions escapes me, if only for a brief moment. There is more to see, so much to do, so much to take, so much to leave, so many to inspire, so little to hinder. The cigarettes seem a little less cancerous, and quitting seems to be for those fear their imminent death at the hands of poisonous addiction. The hope is beautiful...it is why I can smile despite my own self-imposed sorrow. But why does the hope fade? Where do the dreams disappear to? They disappear to oblivion....murdered and left to rot by the decay of objective truths and circumstances. Hope is the sword that pierces the thick husk of despair, but alas is no match of truth. The truth of chances so minimal to those of us not able to seize our dreams, and capture our nugget of happiness, be it a small one. By days end, my hope has faded and all I do is gaze at the other nugget thieves around me. My mind tricks me with a jealous deception, engulfing me with envy at the disgust of the undeserving rats eating away at the cheese of success..they've stolen it. It was left for them to seize, but they did not earn it, they did not even want it. It was given to them and they take it for granted. They are happy and I am not..they achieve their dreams, while I am reconciled to dream about taking my dreams. It is when I sit down to reflect that I look up into the sky and am caught in the orgasmic trance of the departing sun...a gorgeous orb of crimson and pink lights illuminating the sky and setting it ablaze with colors of beauty that stop my heart. My eyes well up with tears as I watch it conduct its daily dance into the night....deep breaths calm my charred soul and the hope returns. If I have no other reason to continue to thrive, it is to see this wondrous spectacle of nature commence its heavenly journey in the universe. My hope has returned, and promises of a new day are created once again....but they will fade, and then they will return. That is a tortured existence for some, but is the only existence I have known...perchance this existence will be different one day...one can only hope.

My Bubble

My sanctuary from failure....my own little guardian of denial that shields me from the harm....my little lullaby that sings me to my lonely sleep....my savior that delivers me from the naysayers...my own little world of my beautiful creation that no one is allowed to enter....my sweet dreams from the nightmares of reality...I stay in you because the fear consumes me....I run to you when the worldly ones have been cruel to me....I long for you when chaos ensues around unfamiliar territory....you are my safeguard from living...my fortress of the oblivious...my reason for no longer trying to adapt to the people's Earth....my bubble loves me...my bubble protects...my bubble lingers...my bubble is always there for me to step into....into a world of my creation...a world where I have already succeeded and am not only striving to.....a world where my outer beauty matches the inner...a world where I am lusted and feared...a world where I am my family's savior and dark knight....this is my bubble...this is my world..but when reality calls, I must step out into the light and see that my bubble is not the world...it is the time capsule that holds promise and guards me from the then and now....and the then and now is bleak at times...but in my conscious, I know that one day my bubble will be my world....and theirs....but for now, my bubble must remain in the dark.....but just for now.....

Jaded/Destined

The bearer of this burden must endure the toll.....why wait for a beacon to guide you when it only lights the step in front of you....Do you like the way destiny plays her tricks....she gives you the start of the race, and she'll even show you the finish, but the road to the end is dark and obscurred....what fun would she have if everything was given to you...if life told you where to run, where to walk, what potholes to jump over...what trees to never sit under for shade...what strangers to never ask for directions from...what to do...what not to do....anything...Oh, no....she doesn't give easy....she doesn't believe in simplicity...and if the race is simple...be warned...it is not her doing. No, she gives us only the step in front of us....she forces us to rely on instinct to guide our way to the line....but look over in the horizon...with every step the finish line comes closer....then moves further away... the line is at the left...the line is at the right...there's a pradise awaiting you at the end.....my God, before your eyes it has transformed to hell....your destiny...your path..your steps...your future...with every step...she makes her message clearer...with each wrong turn...she makes her message clearer...with each new direction...she makes her message clearer...that nothing is clear.....Can you bear this burden? Can you endure this toll? Look at your beginning....Look at your finish...Look at the dark center between where you are and where you will be...use her light...and step...step...step....step....but never stop...stop...stop...stop....

Fester

It boils over inside of me......anger for a past that cannot be undone....anger for words went unspoken for so long.....and now can never be said.....hatred for the unaware that lingers in the depths of my inner child....he's bitter about everything that has happened...too helpless to stop it but too hurt to let it go....his place is with terror....his heart won't mend without apologies...but they come cheaply....too poor to be of pureness.....just words as empty as the hole left in the wreckage of his torment...this child rots away inside of me...spoiling me for goodness and fortune.....he kills everything I dream of....he ruins me for others....."They'll only hurt you" he screams from the depths of his hell.....I grow tired of his negative energy feeding on my hope of a charmed life.....I wish his wretched soul out of me....Afraid to let anyone close as he will only escape from within his walls and destroy them...."They'll only hurt you" he screams.....happiness upsets him...there is no happiness that comes from him....his past is his present and he resides there with ill of mind.....he reminds me of his torture at the hands of those who lied of their love for him....he can't forget that betrayal and he will not allow me to.....I wish you out of me...inner child...why must I feel the pain of your scars...why must I be secluded inside of your nightmare...release me and yourself from the grasp of a world written in stone...unchangeable and irreversible....Leave so that I may find comfort and you may find peace...it wasn't your fault, child....you could not change what you did not know.....you cannot feel hurt for the mistakes of fools....release yourself, child....the decay of your life is horrid and stinks of broken promises and sadness.....release me, child....release me....it wasn't your fault.....know this, child....it wasn't your fault.